beach time

Holidays are no longer relaxing! (well according to my wife!)

Hello, yes I’m back!

Bet you thought, this Dad has given up writing because he’s drowned under a pile of dirty nappies?

Well, actually no, changing nappies is not my job, and the wife empties the nappy bin. I’ve been a little tardy due to the fact I’ve , well we’ve, been in Portugal!  Not for the whole three weeks, my computer broke for one week, but two weeks at least, we have been lazing on the continent! Yes I know we said that abroad was out of the question, but it was such a great deal we had to grab it!

Wow, holidays are great for forgetting work and other issues that normally cloud my brain.

The wife seems to have been on a different holiday to me however! Apparently they are not relaxing anymore with a baby! I honestly don’t see it though, my son has caused me no problems what-so-ever, I still swam everyday and did a little sightseeing!

Apparently, babies need to keep to a similar routine even on holiday. They don’t know that on holiday you don’t wake up for breakfast until at least 10am. They don’t realise that daytime naps become annoying on holiday when you would rather be in the pool, and they certainly haven’t learnt that crying is a no no during the sun bathing periods of 11 to 3!  (Again these points are of my wife’s opinion, oh, through gritted teeth)

I’m not saying I didn’t push the pram a bit. But, I did dose a lot on the beach, waking up a number of times to find the wife and my son had gone back to the villa to have a nap. Seriously, I need to suggest she goes to bed earlier if she needs so many sleeps during the day!!

Anyway, I’ve come back with a lovely tan. Brown as a berry someone at work said to me! You can see the smug smile, can’t you?

For some reason though, the wife seems to be whiter than when we first left Luton. I did question this and I may as well have said she was fat, the response I received!  Something about, holidays not being a holiday for her and nothing changing and something else I couldn’t quite make out as I beat a hasty retreat!

Anyway I’m back on the writing scene, refreshed, relaxed and ready to go back to the office for some more 9 to 5 action. As I said to my wife, it’s ok for her, she’s on a year long holiday!

Better go, the headache seems to be getting worse. Frying pans hurt you know!!

sleepwalking dad

White noise is not my bag!

Ok, it’s been hot recently!

I love the sun and most of my holidays as far as I’m concerned revolve around a beach or a pool, not shopping, not sightseeing just lying and reading a good book, while topping up the tan!

No, I’m not a sun bed person during the winter, David Dickinson does not appeal, but I do like to have a little colour during the summer on my normally lilly white skin. Clearly this year a summer holiday abroad is out of the question, so thank god for the UK sunshine, because at the moment it’s like being on the Med!

I’ve been rushing home from work to catch those last evening rays, while my wife feeds our son on the patio, very European. Of course next week we’ll probably be building snowmen, but it’s great at the moment!

The downside of this heatwave however, is my son, along with most babies and young kids I expect, finds it unbearable. A can’t sleep, won’t sleep baby has landed with a thump, replacing our normally peaceful, will sleep through the night baby.

So, I was sent up into the loft, (which I hate) and spent nearly an hour in searing temperatures, trying to find the smallest thing up there. You guessed it, a fan! Finally I found it hiding under an old coffee table and a large bag of lego, (which I didn’t know we had! Might have to get that out at some point) dragged it out, and dusted it off.

Unlike the Christmas lights each December, which my wife tells me are ‘broken again!!’, it worked perfectly!

Problem is, I don’t remember it ever being so goddam noisy before! Either that or I’ve become intolerant to outside noise when I sleep.  But I thought I’d give it a go with the white noise, it’s ok for babies so maybe it would send me off too!

My wife, and my son, snored and snoozed their way through the noise and the night, while I just lay there, thinking this was very unfair indeed. The only person who’s got to actually leave the house tomorrow for work and I can’t sleep due to a wind turbine in the corner of the bedroom!

By the time I’d counted the number of cracks in the ceiling ten times over, and where I might be asked to paint next, (note to self might suggest a new colour scheme) I decided enough was enough!

Surely with all the windows open on both sides of the room, the en-suite window open and my son in just a nappy, I could turn off the fan?

So I did, only to be smacked a couple of minutes later, on the shoulder, and told to turn it back on as it was too quiet without it!!

Eventually, after deciding duck egg blue with a coffee colour might be nice for a feature wall, I nodded off, only to be woken yet again by my wife kicking me, this time because apparently I was snoring and making a terrible noise!

Anyone see where this is going?

Yep, off to the spare room with me! At seven this morning in bounds the wife, jumps on the bed, and declares she’s had the most dreadful nights sleep, and asks if I shouldn’t be thinking about rising out of my pit to get to work?

Counting to ten now………..!

torture dad

I’ll take Guantanamo Bay!

Has anyone noticed that soft play centres are in fact a form of torture?

They should send people there as a punishment, rather than jail. Petty criminals you understand!

Honestly if a Judge said to me “You will be sentenced to 2 hours of soft play with 50 children or a year’s hard labour” I think I’d take the latter!

How do women stand it?

How do the employees stand it? How would you bounce off to work in the mornings, smile on your face, saying “I love my job” if you were the manager of a centre like that?  If you knew that all day the decibel level would get higher and higher the more tired, cranky, hot, hungry, and thirsty kids got, wouldn’t you be hiding under the duvet every morning?

You might have guessed that my wife and I decided on my day off to take our little one to a soft play centre in our local town. I know, un-raise your eyebrows, I did question why we were taking a small six month old child ,who basically couldn’t actually use the soft play centre, to the soft play centre too!

Maybe my wife thought that he could learn by watching the other children swinging from ropes and large plastic covered bolsters. Maybe she envisaged that I would get up there and show him how it’s done! I don’t mind telling you, as a man of reasonable height and build, I would be taking my life into my own hands with those children.

Children turn you know! They go from these beautiful, cherub, angelically creatures, and they are vicious when in a soft play centre.

Don’t go in the ball pool (a bit like a hot tub without water but plastic balls instead) for fear of being pulled under by another child who doesn’t want to share the space.

Watch your back when standing at the top of the slide, or you could find yourself face down on the floor below, with another child claiming it wasn’t them that pushed you!

There are children, lying face down on the floor, pummelling it with their fists, screaming, because they don’t want to leave the mayhem. People were just stepping over them, as if this is normal behaviour outside the home!

Kids with runny noses, wiping it on every part of the soft play centre, then smaller kids licking it! Seriously, is this what people call a nice day out? I need a lie down!

A nice day out for me would be a wander through a peaceful park in the sunshine, ending up at a decent old fashioned pub for a lunch and a good glass of wine. But this, this, nightmare is upsetting my digestive system to the point where I will no longer fancy spaghetti on toast anymore, I’ve seen it coming up all over the floor in the corner of the room!

A small child (I’m not sure the gender) offered me a soggy piece of, what looked like toast, then, when I declined , ran screaming to its mother pointing at me and shouting as if I’d smacked and taken away the grubby wet toy it was dragging around with it!

Don’t we have enough toys at home to design a soft play centre there? Then only our child, and some selected friends could use it and bingo! No nasty nose running and licking action would occur!

We left there with a look on our faces as if we’d had a lobotomy! I couldn’t walk straight all afternoon, just kept turning in little circles!

My son, who we put ourselves through this horrific event for, slept the whole duration, saying, before he drifted off, “you check it out Daddy, then tell me your findings later”.

I have now made my wife promise she never suggests something like that again.  The words Soft, Play and Centre are banned in the same sentence anywhere near me!

It’s going to take some time and a lot of therapy to get over this period in my life. What? it was only two hours? My God it felt like a lifetime!

I don’t think I was ever taken to such hell on earth by my mother! I must ask her. Anyway, its a good excuse for a small brandy!

dadd shopping

They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no, no, no!

This morning I’ve been accused of using the dishwasher as a refuse bin! Yes, pick yourself up off the floor, you heard me correctly, a refuse bin! Me!

The thought that I would just throw dishes, plates and mugs with food on them is just beyond me! I mean, what is a dishwasher for, if not to put away your clean crockery?

Well actually the wife did find a couple of tags that normally are attached to clothes to hold the labels on, but I completely deny any wrong doing there….I don’t buy clothes for a start!

Now we’re on the subject of clothes and in particular women shopping for clothes, I have a question!

Is it possible to for a woman to stop buying clothes……ever? Is it something that’s ingrained in their instinct to keep buying and buying even though the house is slowly sinking under clothes? is it?

It’s bad enough that the Amazon boxes from all the baby toys are now bricking up entire areas of the house, but I’m now finding my clothes are being stored in them because there is no room in the wardrobe!

Please help me, I think I have an addict living with me, who doesn’t know herself! I’m really not a good nurse! I have no patience you see!

We’re not always talking clothes for herself either, for that one, I’m afraid my fellow men, is inevitable, but now my wife has gone from bags of clothes for herself to bags of clothes for our son, who, I might add, is quickly becoming a clothes horse!

I did put her constant retail therapy before the baby arrived down to her frustration at not being a mother (we’d spent ages trying) but now I”m not so sure.

I think, yet again, I might have been tricked by the cleverer sex, thinking back to every time I commented on something she was wearing to say, I’d never seen that before, and the response being “this old thing? I’ve had it ages!” I wonder if this addiction had already manifested itself before I started noticing?

I did used to find unusual fancy carrier bags under the bed, at the back of the wardrobe and in the bin several times a week. Maybe I needed to take more notice of them?

Then the baby arrived and suddenly those bags disappeared, along with the shopping trips! Phew, I thought we were going to be overrun by bags. I was about to launch a recycling business in the garden shed with the amount of plastic that was coming into the house!

Now, however those bags, and those throw away comments, have come back with vengeance. I comment on what our son is wearing now, and it’s “What, this? Darling don’t you remember your mother’s Aunt’s, Cousin, twice removed bought this for him when he was born?” Now, I definitely don’t remember this, and I also don’t think my Mum has an Aunt. Well not one that’s still alive!

Then, there are the bags of clothes, she is brave enough, no actually thinking about it, clever enough to show me, for showing me this bag of clothes gives the impression she shows me all clothes she’s bought for him! You ladies are clever, can you see the wheels turning in my brain, as I’m writing this?

“Look darling, look at this, H&M have a sale on and I got him all this for £25! I mean for that you just can’t go wrong can you?” I can even hear myself saying “No that’s great, well done you for grabbing that bargain!”

But that’s what she wants me to say, isn’t it? So I can’t then disagree the next time! Hmmmmm thinking about it, there have been about three,  “I got all this for £25″ instances this month alone!

These bargains are slowing turning into a jaw dropping investment, for that price have I not got shares in H&M now?

Ok, I admit he does go through a lot of clothes in one day alone, but I’m sure the washing machine could cope with a couple of loads a day! Maybe these are throw away clothes that you don’t wash?

Right, excuse me I’m off to check the amount of clothes in my sons wardrobe hasn’t doubled overnight, then I’ll be off to my office in the top floor of H&M. If I can only break through this wall of Amazon boxes!

daddy with baby

Tummy Time makes me ill!

On many occasions I’ve been allowed to be left to my own devices. You know I can actually feed myself and wash myself and a couple of times I’ve cooked too, but there is always a take away on speed dial if I feel I might expire. So, babysitting…..? Pah, yes I can do that!

According to my wife however I’m not doing it right!

So you tell me what I’m doing wrong with this day I had planned for me and my son!

6am he normally wakes up and I’ve been paying attention to what happens normally, so I will change his nappy and feed him a bottle of milk.

Then, and this is where we start to differ in our approach, he will sleep for about an hour and a half so I’m going to go back to bed. yes the wife gets up, showers, dresses and does washing and cleaning apparently, then she has “me time” for half an hour. But my “me time” will be spent sleeping. I’ll catch up with the washing and cleaning later on when we’re up!

So when he wakes up I’ll leave him there while I wash and dress, then wash and dress him, them it’s on the sofa for some daytime telly while he shakes a rattle. My wife muttered something about a play-mat, stimulation and tummy time, but I don’t enjoy lying on my tummy, it makes me sick, so we’ll stick to the sofa and Philip and Holly!

Mid morning bottle is next with a nappy change and I suppose I might go for a little wander in the pram, maybe to the paper shop.

At some point of course he’s going to sleep, so that’s when I will do the washing and cleaning etc.

Back for some afternoon TV viewing and maybe a game on the Wii then the wife should be back and I’ll probably be so tired I’ll have to have a lie down!

So why, once I’ve suggested this, has there been a laugh and “Yeah ok love what are you really going to do with him?”

Isn’t that what you do everyday while I work? Blimey I think I might have opened a can of worms right there in the kitchen!

Then, I’m suddenly questioned about when the last time I didn’t have a clean shirt in the wardrobe was….”actually I don’t remember that ever happening” and what do you mean is there always food on the table? Ah, oh I’m suddenly realising why my wife doesn’t lie in anymore!

Women are amazing, so much cleverer than us men! (Does that make up for the big hole I’ve just dug?)

trickster

Great Tips and Tricks for Dad’s (Because I am one)

1. Don’t promise to do something then not do it! – Your wife has gone from being a mellow, chilled out individual to a scary Mummy, believe me it’s easier just to do the task you said you would do!

2. Please, please don’t forget to look every time she says, “Look Daddy, look what he/she is doing now!” Otherwise you will be given the silent treatment for a long time after!

3. Learn quickly that you are not able to place the pram and carrycot back into the car as she can!

4. Also learn quickly that although you’re the father, your baby will follow Mummy around the room, look at Mummy, even when it’s you bathing them and will only want Mummy at certain times of the day! It’s ok guys more time for Top Gear and a pint! (I’m joking about the pint)

5. You don’t have lie in’s anymore because she doesn’t have lie in’s. Even when the baby is sleeping, you have to be doing something!

6. Money, disappears from you account, and not on the things you want!

7. There is always the latest must have baby gadget, that your wife/partner/girlfriend must have. Not for her you understand but for the baby!

8. Where it used to be Urban Outfitters and Top Shop, it’s now Mamas and Papas and Boots you aim for on a shopping trip out!

9. Get used to having your bedroom in complete darkness at all times!

10. As with number 9. get used to dressing in the dark, even in the middle of the day!

Now add yours to the list. Send me your observations and tips and I’ll add to the list